Thursday, September 17, 2009

Suess Vows

Do you take Caroline as your wife?
I do.
Will you love her in a boat?
And will you lover her near a goat?
I will love her in a boat,
I will love her near a goat.
Will you love her in the rain?
And in the dark? And on a train?
I will love her in the rain, in the dark, and on a train.
And in a car? And in a tree?
I will, she is so good, so good, you see!

So you will love her in a box.
And you will love her near a fox.
I will love her in a box,
I will love her near a fox.

And you will love her in a house.
And you will love her near a mouse.
And I will love her in a house,
And I will love her near a mouse.

And you will love her here and there.
I will love her here and there.
Say: I will love her ANYWHERE!
I will love her ANYWHERE!

Friday, August 8, 2008

*Speechless*

I don't even know what to say about this...it's so incredibly chock full o' stupid that it's almost indecipherable. The best thing about it is that they have worded it so no one will ever be able to prove whether their "peaceful god's" hand was stayed.

From my good friends at Christian Newswire, I bring you this steaming pile of WTF...
Earnest Call to Prayer for California

Contact: Kara Silverman, 212-584-4331, ksilverman@5wpr.com

MEDIA ADVISORY, Aug. 8 /Christian Newswire/ -- In June 2008, GOD TV's Wendy Alec received a startling prophecy concerning coming judgment on the State of California, but Wendy and her husband Rory, who jointly head up GOD TV, believe this can be stayed, if Christians will gather together in steadfast prayer and intercession for this region.

The GOD TV founders are therefore urging believers across the USA and the nations to participate in a critical prayer event this weekend as the network breaks with its normal schedule to air a solemn assembly of prayer and fasting LIVE from San Francisco. Organized by the Justice House of Prayer in San Francisco, the meeting will be led by Lou Engle of TheCall and will feature prayers of intercession and repentance. The LIVE broadcast will be introduced by Rory & Wendy Alec, who will link to the event from the GOD TV studio in England.

The LIVE broadcast will air at 7pm local time (PST) / 10pm (EST) on Friday August 8, enabling DIRECTV viewers to watch on channel 365 and Sky Angel IPTV viewers to watch on channel 138. Internet viewers will be able to watch via webstreaming at www.god.tv/stream or via video on demand at www.god.tv/god. Highlights of the program will also be carried on GOD TV on Sunday August 10.

"God is looking for intercessors to stand in the gap on behalf of California and we who are believers are those intercessors," said Lou Engle. "We as the Church must repent for our attitudes toward the homosexual community and replace faultfinding with intercession. It is also our responsibility to plead the Blood of Jesus over the innocent bloodshed of millions of unborn babies and intercede for those in authority. To ignore the urgency of the times, would be to stand by as this State is thrown in front of a spiritual freight train. Now is our time to fast and pray."

Wendy Alec prophesied on June 14, 2008 that the scales of sin were so full over California that judgment could not be withheld if there was no repentance and she warned of coming devastation in San Francisco and Los Angeles, but that God would establish His own Golden Gate of repentance, revival, cleansing and holiness: "And I saw thousands of the tiniest of lights, these were intercessors meeting in small groups – piercing the heavenlies. Then the brighter lights were fellowships of churches all across California... and it was because of these ones that the judgment would be stayed and I saw a sign that read: 'MORE TIME - REVIVAL FIRE'. And the Lord said, 'A great grace shall arise from California that shall impact the north even to the state of Washington'." The full text of this prophetic word, entitled 'The Bay' can be read at www.unknownprophet.com.

"This is an extremely important event for GOD TV at this time when America faces a crucial election and especially with the current push to try and legitimize same sex marriage across the USA, starting in California," said Wendy Alec, who is the director of television at GOD TV. "It has been said: 'As San Francisco goes, so goes California and as California goes, so goes the nation'. There has never been a more crucial time for Christians across the USA to pray into this situation and we believe we can gain the prayer support of millions more as we air this wake-up call to believers on GOD TV around the world."

GOD TV chief executive, Rory Alec said he looked forward to welcoming viewers to the LIVE broadcast. "According to Scripture, God doesn't do anything without first telling His servants," he said, quoting Amos 3:7, "so that they can sound the alarm as they are led of the Lord. GOD TV has been raised up as an extraordinary prophetic platform for this time - with a powerful ability to rally the Body of Christ like never before and now is the time to sound the alarm in San Francisco. We carry a great burden in our hearts for America and feel we must pray fervently for California right now."

The Justice House of Prayer in San Francisco, takes place exactly a week before TheCall, DC, a mass gathering on the National Mall on August 16, also led by Lou Engle, where a one million-strong crowd is expected to gather at National Mall. This will also be televised LIVE by GOD TV. For more information visit: www.thecall.com or www.god.tv.

P.S. I changed all of the links to The Church of Google because I just can't bear to link to these idiots.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I'm Back and Ready To Break Somebody's Balls...Huckabee? O.K.

Idiot, anti-evolution, gay-bashing, douchebag Mike Huckabee has a new website, or revamped, or something. Whatever...It's a pile of shit.

He wants us all to blog about it to support it and help spread the word...so here you go...a non-biased quote from a reliable source:
"Whatever...It's a pile of shit. "
Here are a bunch of links to anything but his worthless waste of bandwidth:

Huckabee on Gays and women’s rights: Homosexuality=Pedophilia/ Choice=Criminal

The Retard of the Month for August 2004

"...it's a lot easier to change the constitution..."

I Heart Huckabees

A video:


And a quote from the assclown himself:
“If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague. It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.”

“In light of the extraordinary funds already being given for AIDS research, it does not seem that additional federal spending can be justified. An alternative would be to request that multimillionaire celebrities, such as Elizabeth Taylor (,) Madonna and others who are pushing for more AIDS funding be encouraged to give out of their own personal treasuries increased amounts for AIDS research.”

But just to show that he isn't all bad...He has done a lot for keeping music education in schools (just not science, I guess...there I go with the bashing, again) and won an award by the National Association of Music Merchants (NAMM), which is not so horrible.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What a Shitty Anniversary...


"What if our republic were now shattered?" wrote the Rev. M. R. Watkinson to Secretary of the Treasury Salmon Portland Chase on Nov. 13, 1861. "Would not antiquaries of succeeding centuries reason from our past that we were heathen nation?"

Apparently that is what convinced Mr. Chase to order the printing of "In God We Trust" on all of our nation's currency...Today, July 30th, we celebrate the adoption of "In God We Trust" as our national motto! Hooray!

Quivering in fear from the Red Menace and Sen. Joe McCarthy's kill all the commies campaign, President Dwight Eisenhower decided to simultaneously spit on the constitution, much like Chase, and declare God-fearing Americans as apparently being better than the Soviet Atheists (because Jesus likes to beat up lousy, godless pinko bastards).

Don't get me wrong, I much prefer democracy to oppressive dictatorship but, pulling some magical deity out of the sky and placing him on "our" side is just kind of weird. The idea that the US could claim God as it's own is just as ridiculous as the idea that the US can claim The Borg as a legitimate threat to our national security.

July 30th should be a day of mourning to all of us who claim to love freedom, the Constitution and our country. Does everyone remember the original national motto?

E pluribus unum...Out of many, one. Much more civilized isn't it? Even though it's in a heathen language and predates the "In God We Trust" bullshit and it's what the founding fathers chose and it's secular (like the constitution) and it includes EVERYONE!

Shit! It's enough to drive me nuts...it should be driving everyone nuts...I will say it again:
The United States of America Was Not Founded As a Christian Nation.
Atheist Ethicist has a good essay about this.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Flood of Biblical Proportions In Our House!

Noah would be scared...

I promised that I would write about my Mother's faith yesterday...well, the house decided to flood instead. Right now there are 16 really, really, incredibly noisy fans running. Floors are being ripped up and it's generally just a bad time to be in this house. It's beyond annoying.

So, I promise that, as soon as I can hear myself think again, I will bring you some more of my gold-plated writing.

Thanks for your patience dear reader(s)(?)...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bush's New Drinkin' Buddy

What...A...Douche!



Cute...Asshole

I don't even have anything to say.

The Faith of My Father's...Oh, And Mom, Too Pt. 1


Dad

At last a look behind the curtain...My parents and their beliefs at least, how I see them. I was inspired to write this post after reading a Christian's response to the "Atheist 13" from The Atheist Blogger. One question in particular, in answering the question about the one person you wish you could convert. He answered, "My Dad." That got me thinking.

My immediate family is pretty darn close. There was a time in the 90's where we really weren't...at least I wasn't...and I do feel a little guilty about that. But, since then we have come back together and just two weekends ago had an enormous crab feast where my sister and I played my parents' wedding song for them and a good time was had by all. There was also the formal introduction (if you could call it formal) and welcome of those who will be the newest additions to our family, the Heretincess's Parents and brother. All in all, it was a pretty sweet weekend, went to a Phillies game, did some tailgating, and we were able to see my Great-Grandmother, who was as charming and graceful as ever...She also happened to be the one that decided to pass off her 76 year old engagement ring to my bride-to-be (it always makes her cry to think about it...Heretincess, not Great-Grandmother.)

On to the meat of this post. My Dad and I have had our chats about Christianity, Spirituality and the like and I feel pretty comfortable in my understanding of his world view. A designer of sprawling and intricate chemical engineering facilities, the man has never been short on logic. He instantly casts doubt on all things supernatural although, the two of us do still enjoy all of the crappy Sci-Fi junk we can get our hands on...that and The Simpsons.

Growing up we never really talked about religion. We just kind of went to church for more of a social networking group than to be with like minded believers. My parents did not baptize me as a baby, they waited until me and my siblings were old enough, in their eyes, to have made the decision on our own...A philosophy that still today, I hold up as one of my parents best decisions...even if it may have been a bit of a premature decision on the part of my brother and sister...more to come on that in a later post. We did get "dragged" to church on some Sundays, as I am sure most kids in this country have been. I don't resent my parents for this...They simply did not know any better. Since we have all been separated by miles, mountains, rivers, and streams, my Dad has told me of some regrets he feels. "Forcing" us to go to church being one of them.

My Dad will not identify himself as a Christian, anymore. He doesn't identify with any religion. He seems to be the happiest man in the world. When we talk about afterlife, it is in less tangible terms than Heaven and Hell, God and Satan. We talk about the viability of a soul (another post in the working) and the possibility of an afterlife or the less glamorous rotting in the ground.

Given what he has had to do for his family, it's no surprise that at this point, he is the happiest man alive...again, more on that later.

When my brother was younger, about 7 years old, he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. My Dad was floored and desperate. Like many others in his predicament have in the past and most assuredly will in the future, he offered up a little prayer...something along these lines:
"God, I don't know what to do. My son has just been given a horrible diagnosis for a horrible disease. I don't know what kind of being you are but, if you will spare my son of this disease, I will give to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for the rest of my life."

The second batch of test results came back revealing a really bad case of asthma coupled with some pretty serious allergies to airborne particles and a few other, not-so-terminal, problems...Which, coupled together I suppose gave a false positive, I'm a bit sketchy on the actual details of the tests. To this day, my Father still gives to that foundation, every year, and refuses to take the tax write-off that comes with it.

He won't come out and acknowledge that there was a mysterious man in the sky that instead of one horrific disease decided to give my brother a series of lesser afflictions. Deep down I believe that my Dad does not credit any of this to God. He jokes about it now saying things like, "Well I just have to hedge my bets."

I have a really hard time believing that my logical, reasonable, smart Father would believe in all of that junk. He likes doing all kinds of stuff with his church friends. He volunteers at a homeless shelter whenever he can. He mows the old ladies' grass. It seems that his least favorite thing about church is, well church. More than once he's told me how uncomfortable it makes him. Especially when the pastor starts talking about hell and how horrible it's punishments are just for not believing in Jesus.

Finally, he seems to be one of the very few people on this Earth who can put the religion question completely out of his mind. It's a trait that I envy. It seems that I am always thinking about religions and things of that nature. I say good for him. The man has never bought a single thing just for himself. He is the embodiment of selflessness.

It would be a far better world if their were more of him in it than people like me or James Dobson.

Tomorrow, hopefully, Mom's side!

P.S. Take your kids fishing. While we were up visiting, my lady went out doing wedding stuff and Dad and I sat on a pier and fished for five hours. We didn't catch anything but, it was another one of those father-son bonding moments that continue throughout our lives. It brought back floods of forgotten memories of all of the old fishing spots we would frequent. We weren't the only father-son team, either. Take Me Fishing